How about a look inside the book. Before I give you my chapter outline, I am going to give you my story and my credibility, as well as why I wrote the book. Wait for it!
From the Chapter: The Preface: The Little Book Of Change.
My memory is a little bit spotty. I don’t know if it was caused by my trauma, but these memories were lost over time. To the best of my recollection, I want to give you the most accurate picture of what happened to me as a child. I apologize if I can’t share the full extent of some of these events. A lot of what you are going to read is very personal. People very close to me were also involved; therefore I am editing my story to protect their privacy.
When I was about 10 years old I experienced my first obsessive-compulsive (OCD) thought coupled with severe anxiety. It was a horrible event for a 10 year old. I can’t even begin to describe what I felt inside my mind. When a person is obsessive-compulsive, they feel the need to complete a task or action. This task or action can be repetitive, like checking a door to see if it is locked. If this person refuses or can’t complete the action, the urge or need to complete the action becomes stronger and stronger. Further refusal or inability will lead to anxiety. For instance, if a child had to constantly check to see if a door was locked to feel safe, and was not allowed to check that door, that child could become sick with worry. This is because he or she no longer has the proof that the door is locked, and thus feels unsafe.
It wasn’t quite a door for me, but it was something I had to fight. I call this time, Day Zero. From what I can remember, my compulsivity went away and life as a 10 year old returned to normal.
I don’t know how much time passed before I had another “episode” as I called it. But I do remember viciously fighting my compulsive thoughts. Fighting just produced more anxiety and depression for me. The fight went on for days, weeks and months at a time. Sometimes my mental battle lasted for over a year. During this time I wasn’t able escape my own mind. I worked tirelessly to distract myself. It was almost an impossible task that left me totally exhausted. Not only mentally, but physically exhausted. I was also becoming physically ill.
A growing child should never have to suffer from this much mental trauma and exhaustion. I actually got a little relief when I fell asleep, but when I woke up my mind was back to the daily battle. I was even haunted in my dreams.
I had no escape. My condition stayed with me all day long: when I was in school, after school and in the evening until I finally went to sleep. It even haunted me in my dreams.
If I woke during the night I was still anxiety ridden or depressed. Basically it was twenty-four seven: I could not get away from it. It became a vicious cycle in which I became more depressed and riddled with anxiety. I could barely function. I guess everybody thought I was crazy. It took every bit concentration and stamina to maintain a normal way of life. Plus it took enormous amounts of energy to hide my behavior from my family and friends. I would try to flood my mind with anything to distract myself. I would intentionally try to wear myself out physically by distance running any time I would get the chance. Only then, when I was mentally and physically exhausted did I see some relief, and that relief was short lived. My condition carried on for a year to eighteen months at a time. Sometimes it went away for a while, but it eventually came back.
I tried to seek help. I went into therapy, but there was little the therapists could do except try to modify my behavior. It never really helped. I cycled again and again, a constant prisoner of my own mind.
I want to tell you who I became.
I was very broken and feared everything. I couldn’t eat properly, because I never had an appetite. I was a very sad child and I cried a lot for no reason. I thought I was worthless and that no one loved me. I thought everyone was against me and that everyone was out to get me. I thought everyone hated me. I was afraid of any group social activity. Since I had no self-esteem or self-worth I couldn’t even talk to girls that I liked. This in turn was a negative feedback mechanism that killed my self-esteem even more. I was very resentful, very angry, and treated people terribly. I was mean, nasty, revengeful and used people. I was selfish and narcissistic. I didn’t keep up with friendships. I couldn’t have a normal friendship and couldn’t have a normal relationship with a girl or woman. In fact, I always destroyed my relationships just so I could not get hurt.
I was horrible at sports because I couldn’t concentrate and build coordination. I couldn’t pay attention in class or do homework. All I could do was daydream and draw pictures. I was told I never smiled, was always grouchy and walked around stone-faced. I never sang or danced in fear someone would laugh at me. I boycotted school dances, proms and pep rallies. I was against jocks and cheerleaders because I thought the “in crowd” didn’t like me. I had a wall around myself that no one could break through. I never let anyone in. I thought the world was against me. I hated to look at my image in the mirror. I thought that I deserved all the horrible things that had happened to me.
What I regret the most was that I put my family though hell. I drew a lot of attention away from my brother and my sister. I had wonderful parents who made sure their children were fed and happy. They took us on vacations and adventures most children never saw. Disneyworld should have been the ultimate vacation for a kid. I just hope I didn’t ruin it in any way for my family. My parents tried so hard to help me study and pay attention in school. My brain just ran wild. I couldn’t focus on anything. I always had music playing in my head, when I tried to read or take a test. They just wanted what was best for me, but I just couldn’t make myself pay attention. I was tested for learning disorders, but all the results were inconclusive.
On top of all this, I had many habits and routines that interfered with my day-to-day life. These routines also affected those around me. I had many ticks, like constantly clearing my throat, bouncing my knee, and finger tapping on desks and tables. This drove those around me insane.
I walked in the depths of hell. There is no hell worse than being trapped in your own mind. Even though I was never able to kill myself, I constantly wished for death. I wanted to die from natural causes because I wanted to spare my love ones. If I died in my sleep they wouldn’t feel guilty because at least I didn’t kill myself. Suicide is a selfish act.
During my senior year in college The OCD, depression, and anxiety were killing me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was about to graduate while trying to get accepted into graduate school. It was ruining my college experience. I was 21 years old and should have been having the time of my life.
Finally, I went to the college counselors and told them everything from as far back as I can remember. They decided to send me to a psychologist. Fifteen minutes into the session the psychologist diagnosed me as OCD and put me on Prozac. My healing had begun. The Prozac worked pretty well on my OCD. I was a little less compulsive and could concentrate a bit more, but I still had anxiety and depression.
Then I had another bout with OCD and anxiety. Even though I was on Prozac I went back to my psychiatrist and told him I was sick of this. I told him I hated living this way and I wanted something done. That is when he put me on Klonopin. Klonopin immediately eased my anxiety and OCD. I was better able to function and have a normal life.
For years I was still experiencing “episodes”, but they were more related to depression. I was still having difficulty in social situations and interacting with my world. I was constantly going through therapy, but I was still fighting depression. There was still some anxiety and OCD mixed in, but it wasn’t as severe as it was when I was a child. I guess, I finally “had enough”, once again, and found a therapist that took a different approach to my therapy. She decided to rule out any physical conditions that could be causing my mental illness. I first had a full physical with a blood workup (to make sure I didn’t have a thyroid condition, etc.). I next went to an ear, nose and throat specialist to make sure I was getting enough oxygen through my nose. I saw other specialists to rule out any other common physical problems that could translate to mental illness. Finally I was given a sleep study or a Polysomnogram. Although I was 180 pounds at the time, we did the procedure anyway.
This was the turning point in my life. My electroencephalogram (EEG) test results had showed that I only went into REM sleep for about 4 to 5 minutes a night. REM or Stage 4 sleep is when the brain actually shuts down and rests. Granted, the whole brain doesn’t shut down, just certain parts shut down. This is when the brain “reboots”.
As far as I can remember I was an insomniac, but I never knew that I wasn’t sleeping properly. A person’s brain needs to shut down and “reboot”. This is when your brain rests, while processing and storing the day’s events. My brain never had ample time to shut down, rest and “reboot”. I was told that this was a genetically linked condition. At the time, little was know about it.
I was put on a drug called Mirtazapine. It used to be an antidepressant but it was now used as a very strong tranquilizer. It knocked me cold and I actually started sleeping properly. I had a follow up sleep study and electroencephalogram (EEG) test results showed that I was now getting about 2 hours of REM sleep.
Within three months my mental acuity jumped exponentially. I could sit still and I didn’t have leg twitches. My other little “ticks” and habits went away. I didn’t have any anxiety, panic or depression. Although I still had some symptoms of OCD it was not near as bad as it was when I was a child. I could read technical manuals and fully understand them. My self-esteem was getting better and I was starting to like myself for the first time. Finally, I begun to stop thinking about just me, and started to focus on others. I was happy and I started to smile more often. The whole world was new to me.
Since my sleep disorder diagnosis I have been slowly rebuilding myself. I feel like I “failed life” and am getting a do-over. It is kind of like failing a class and being able to repeat it. This new life is very scary. I have had to learn to be social all over again. I was so closed off that I was never able to express to friends the things you talk about as adolescents. I am not even sure if I matured correctly during puberty. I am actually surprised I made it out alive. I guess you could say I’m a strong person. The stress on my body would’ve probably killed most people. I come from a strong family. That strength and the love of my family is probably what kept me alive.
I started to see the world for what it was. The world was a good place and I wasn’t a bad person. I learned that I had friends that cared about me. I was able to commit to a career path. I am lucky I had some talents that allowed me to do a few different things. It’s going to be hard but I’m going to try to live the rest of my life the right way.
On occasion, I still have to battle with OCD, depression and anxiety. I guess it never really leaves you; you just learn how to cope with it. I also take my medication: religiously! My habits were hard to break. Any addict will tell you that. Every once in a while I still suffer from low self-esteem. It’s hard to differentiate the feeling when you been that way all your life and that’s all you know. When I get nervous, I still babble about myself and sometimes show disinterest in other people. Again it’s very hard to break old habits. But I push on every day.
On December 27, 2016 I have to add an addendum to this page. I put this book on the back burner for a while. I have made so many changes in my life, that I am going to have to update the text again. I learned that when I asked for help, my friends and family came to my aid. That is love, pure and simple. Oh, and I was able to get off of some of my medication. Yes, I have to take a pill to sleep, but other than that I am OK.
